Onboarding: “The process by which a new employee learns the ropes and gets settled.”
Waterboarding: “An interrogation technique in which water is forced into a detainee’s mouth and nose so as to induce the sensation of drowning.”
Finding and retaining top talent has never been harder for small businesses. Research indicates that, in most cases, an employee leaving your company does so within the first 30 days, and it is due to a misalignment between what the employee expected in the new job and what actually occurs.
As a result, more companies seem to be focusing on making the first 30 days for a new employee as positive of an experience as possible. The term most commonly used for this process is “onboarding”.
My experience is that, while these companies’ intentions are good, the experience for the new employee is less onboarding and more like waterboarding. The new hire is practically tortured from the first day, and it only gets worse over time.
Let’s look a little more closely at the experiences of two new employees: Bill at Exceptional, Inc., and Sally at Torture Corp.
The week before Bill’s first day, he received a personal note card from the CEO in the mail welcoming him to his new job. The same day, his wife receives a beautiful fruit basket from the same CEO welcoming her to the Exceptional family as well.
That same week, Sally hears nothing from her new CEO. She receives a postage-due envelope with a 40-page employment agreement from legal, which must be initiated and signed in triplicate within 48 hours. The document is in some language closely resembling English, but Sally is not 100% sure.
On Bill’s first day, he pulls into the company parking lot only to find a personalized parking spot in front of the office with his name on it, welcoming him. As he walks into the office, he immediately notices a large banner on the wall that says, “Welcome Bill”. The receptionist quickly rises from her chair, greets Bill by first name, and escorts him to his new office.
On Sally’s first day, she is unable to find a parking spot and ends up parking across a busy street. Her car will get booted in this unmarked lot. Sally is practically run over while trying to cross the street. When she enters the office building, Sally is immediately detained by security for not having a proper security identification. She would have been fiercely interrogated had it not been for the friendly parking lot attendant looking for his $75 “boot” fee. The receptionist ignores Sally at the front desk until she starts pounding loudly on her desk with her shoe. It appears no one expected Sally to show up for work today.
When Bill gets to his new office, he is amazed at how nicely the spacious room is decorated with pictures, a few plants, and an executive desk. There is a brand new computer on his desk and of course a box of freshly printed business cards. This feels like home…
Sally is left to find her own cubicle in what seems like a maze of temporary work stations. She is leaving breadcrumbs in case she decides to leave the office abruptly. Finally, she finds her desk, more like a television dinner stand, on a deserted floor. There is very little lighting, and the gym next door plays loud music. This feels like…hexx!!!
On Bill’s desk is a note from his manager welcoming him to his first day and an invitation to join him and the team for lunch that day. There is also a detailed schedule for Bill’s first day of orientation. His new computer works beautifully. Internet service is lightning fast.
There is no note on Sally’s puny desk. Just dust. She has no computer. Instead of business cards, there are a few leftover pads of post-it notes. She ends up having lunch alone in a dingy employee cafeteria. Nobody seems to know she’s there.
Bill’s new employee orientation is conducted by a very friendly Human Resources representative. It includes a very interesting video introduction to the company. He also receives several gifts from his peers. What a nice welcome…
Sally’s new employee orientation is done online with Siri’s automated brother Suri. There is an outdated PowerPoint with endless slides making little or no sense. She is commanded to review the 100-page employee manual page by page with great attention to detail.
Which company is yours? Exceptional or torture? Proper onboarding of new employees requires detailed planning and a commitment from the top of your company to ensure each new employee has the best possible experience upon joining.
